Mark Twain Explains: The Bad Little Boy & The Good Little Boy

In a special “guest post,” Mark Twain explains this brave new world in which we find ourselves. If our moral universe seems topsy-turvy to you–that up is down, wrong is right, and bad is rewarded even as good is punished–take comfort, at least, in knowing it has ever been thus, as these two classic tales show.

THE STORY OF

THE BAD LITTLE BOY

Once there was a bad little boy whose name was Jim–though, if you will notice, you will find that bad little boys are nearly always called James in your Sunday-school books. It was strange, but still it was true, that this one was called Jim.

He didn’t have any sick mother, either–a sick mother who was pious and had the consumption, and would be glad to lie down in the grave and be at rest but for the strong love she bore her boy, and the anxiety she felt that the world might be harsh and cold toward him when she was gone. Most bad boys in the Sunday books are named James, and have sick mothers, who teach them to say, “Now, I lay me down,” etc., and sing them to sleep with sweet, plaintive voices, and then kiss them good night, and kneel down by the bedside and weep. But it was different with this fellow. He was named Jim, and there wasn’t anything the matter with his mother–no consumption, nor anything of that kind. She was rather stout than otherwise, and she was not pious; moreover, she was not anxious on Jim’s account. She said if he were to break his neck it wouldn’t be much loss. She always spanked Jim to sleep, and she never kissed him good night; on the contrary, she boxed his ears when she was ready to leave him.

Once this little bad boy stole the key of the pantry, and slipped in there and helped himself to some jam, and filled up the vessel with tar, so that his mother would never know the difference; but all at once a terrible feeling didn’t come over him, and something didn’t seem to whisper to him, “Is it right to disobey my mother? Isn’t it sinful to do this? Where do bad little boys go who gobble up their good kind mother’s jam?” and then he didn’t kneel down all alone and promise never to be wicked any more, and rise up with a light, happy heart, and go and tell his mother all about it, and beg her forgiveness, and be blessed by her with tears of pride and thankfulness in her eyes. No; that is the way with all other bad boys in the books; but it happened otherwise with this Jim, strangely enough. He ate that jam, and said it was bully, in his sinful, vulgar way; and he put in the tar, and said that was bully also, and laughed, and observed “that the old woman would get up and snort” when she found it out; and when she did find it out, he denied knowing anything about it, and she whipped him severely, and he did the crying himself. Everything about this boy was curious–everything turned out differently with him from the way it does to the bad Jameses in the books.

Once he climbed up in Farmer Acorn’s apple tree to steal apples, and the limb didn’t break, and he didn’t fall and break his arm, and get torn by the farmer’s great dog, and then languish on a sickbed for weeks, and repent and become good. Oh, no; he stole as many apples as he wanted and came down all right; and he was all ready for the dog, too, and knocked him endways with a brick when he came to tear him. It was very strange–nothing like it ever happened in those mild little books with marbled backs, and with pictures in them of men with swallow-tailed coats and bell-crowned hats, and pantaloons that are short in the legs, and women with the waists of their dresses under their arms, and no hoops on. Nothing like it in any of the Sunday-school books.

Once he stole the teacher’s penknife, and, when he was afraid it would be found out and he would get whipped, he slipped it into George Wilson’s cap, poor Widow Wilson’s son, the moral boy, the good little boy of the village, who always obeyed his mother, and never told an untruth, and was fond of his lessons, and infatuated with Sunday-school. And when the knife dropped from the cap, and poor George hung his head and blushed, as if in conscious guilt, and the grieved teacher charged the theft upon him, and was just in the very act of bringing the switch down upon his trembling shoulders, a white-haired, improbable justice of the peace did not suddenly appear in their midst, and strike an attitude and say, “Spare this noble boy–there stands the cowering culprit! I was passing the school door at recess, and, unseen myself, I saw the theft committed!” And then Jim didn’t get whaled, and the venerable justice didn’t read the tearful school a homily, and take George by the hand and say such a boy deserved to be exalted, and then tell him come and make his home with him, and sweep out the office, and make fires, and run errands, and chop wood, and study law, and help his wife do household labors, and have all the balance of the time to play and get forty cents a month, and be happy. No it would have happened that way in the books, but didn’t happen that way to Jim. No meddling old clam of a justice dropped in to make trouble, and so the model boy George got thrashed, and Jim was glad of it because, you know, Jim hated moral boys. Jim said he was “down on them milksops.” Such was the coarse language of this bad, neglected boy.

But the strangest thing that ever happened to Jim was the time he went boating on Sunday, and didn’t get drowned, and that other time that he got caught out in the storm when he was fishing on Sunday and didn’t get struck by lightning. Why, you might look, and look, all through the Sunday-school books from now till next Christmas, and you would never come across anything like this. Oh, no; you would find that all the bad boys who go boating on Sunday invariably get drowned; and all the bad boys who get caught out in storms when they are fishing on Sunday infallibly get struck by lightning. Boats with bad boys in them always upset on Sunday, and it always storms when bad boys go fishing on the Sabbath. How this Jim ever escaped is a mystery to me.

This Jim bore a charmed life–that must have been the way of it. Nothing could hurt him. He even gave the elephant in the menagerie a plug of tobacco, and the elephant didn’t knock the top of his head off with his trunk. He browsed around the cupboard after essence-of peppermint, and didn’t make a mistake and drink aqua fortis. He stole his father’s gun and went hunting on the Sabbath, and didn’t shoot three or four of his fingers off. He struck his little sister on the temple with his fist when he was angry, and she didn’t linger in pain through long summer days, and die with sweet words of forgiveness upon her lips that redoubled the anguish of his breaking heart. No; she got over it. He ran off and went to sea at last, and didn’t come back and find himself sad and alone in the world, his loved ones sleeping in the quiet churchyard, and the vine-embowered home of his boyhood tumbled down and gone to decay. Ah, no; he came home as drunk as a piper, and got into the station-house the first thing.
And he grew up and married, and raised a large family, and brained them all with an ax one night, and got wealthy by all manner of cheating and rascality; and now he is the infernalest wickedest scoundrel in his native village, and is universally respected, and belongs to the legislature.

So you see there never was a bad James in the Sunday-school books that had such a streak of luck as this sinful Jim with the charmed life.

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Ben1 Editor’s Note: These texts have been edited slightly for length from the originals posted at Project Gutenberg.

THE STORY OF

THE GOOD LITTLE BOY

Once there was a good little boy by the name of Jacob Blivens. He always obeyed his parents, no matter how absurd and unreasonable their demands were; and he always learned his book, and never was late at Sabbath-school. He would not play hookey, even when his sober judgment told him it was the most profitable thing he could do. None of the other boys could ever make that boy out, he acted so strangely. He wouldn’t lie, no matter how convenient it was. He just said it was wrong to lie, and that was sufficient for him. And he was so honest that he was simply ridiculous. The curious ways that that Jacob had, surpassed everything. He wouldn’t play marbles on Sunday, he wouldn’t rob birds’ nests, he wouldn’t give hot pennies to organ-grinders’ monkeys; he didn’t seem to take any interest in any kind of rational amusement. So the other boys used to try to reason it out and come to an understanding of him, but they couldn’t arrive at any satisfactory conclusion. As I said before, they could only figure out a sort of vague idea that he was “afflicted.”

This good little boy read all the Sunday-school books; they were his greatest delight. This was the whole secret of it. He believed in the good little boys they put in the Sunday-school book; he had every confidence in them. He longed to come across one of them alive once; but he never did. They all died before his time, maybe. Whenever he read about a particularly good one he turned over quickly to the end to see what became of him, because he wanted to travel thousands of miles and gaze on him; but it wasn’t any use; that good little boy always died in the last chapter, and there was a picture of the funeral, with all his relations and the Sunday-school children standing around the grave in pantaloons that were too short, and bonnets that were too large, and everybody crying into handkerchiefs that had as much as a yard and a half of stuff in them.

Jacob had a noble ambition to be put in a Sunday school book. He wanted to be put in, with pictures representing him gloriously declining to lie to his mother, and her weeping for joy about it; and pictures representing him standing on the doorstep giving a penny to a poor beggar-woman with six children, and telling her to spend it freely, but not to be extravagant, because extravagance is a sin; and pictures of him magnanimously refusing to tell on the bad boy who always lay in wait for him around the corner as he came from school, and welted him so over the head with a lath, and then chased him home, saying, “Hi! hi!” as he proceeded. That was the ambition of young Jacob Blivens. He wished to be put in a Sunday-school book. It made him feel a little uncomfortable sometimes when he reflected that the good little boys always died. He loved to live, you know, and this was the most unpleasant feature about being a Sunday-school-book boy. He knew it was not healthy to be good. He knew it was more fatal than consumption to be so supernaturally good as the boys in the books were; he knew that none of them had ever been able to stand it long, and it pained him to think that if they put him in a book he wouldn’t ever see it, or even if they did get the book out before he died it wouldn’t be popular without any picture of his funeral in the back part of it. It couldn’t be much of a Sunday-school book that couldn’t tell about the advice he gave to the community when he was dying. So at last, of course, he had to make up his mind to do the best he could under the circumstances–to live right, and hang on as long as he could and have his dying speech all ready when his time came.

But somehow nothing ever went right with the good little boy; nothing ever turned out with him the way it turned out with the good little boys in the books. They always had a good time, and the bad boys had the broken legs; but in his case there was a screw loose somewhere, and it all happened just the other way. When he found Jim Blake stealing apples, and went under the tree to read to him about the bad little boy who fell out of a neighbor’s apple tree and broke his arm, Jim fell out of the tree, too, but he fell on him and broke his arm, and Jim wasn’t hurt at all. Jacob couldn’t understand that. There wasn’t anything in the books like it.

And once, when some bad boys pushed a blind man over in the mud, and Jacob ran to help him up and receive his blessing, the blind man did not give him any blessing at all, but whacked him over the head with his stick and said he would like to catch him shoving him again, and then pretending to help him up. This was not in accordance with any of the books. Jacob looked them all over to see.

Once, when he was on his way to Sunday-school, he saw some bad boys starting off pleasuring in a sailboat. He was filled with consternation, because he knew from his reading that boys who went sailing on Sunday invariably got drowned. So he ran out on a raft to warn them, but a log turned with him and slid him into the river. A man got him out pretty soon, and the doctor pumped the water out of him, and gave him a fresh start with his bellows, but he caught cold and lay sick abed nine weeks. But the most unaccountable thing about it was that the bad boys in the boat had a good time all day, and then reached home alive and well in the most surprising manner. Jacob Blivens said there was nothing like these things in the books. He was perfectly dumfounded.

When he got well he was a little discouraged, but he resolved to keep on trying anyhow. He knew that so far his experiences wouldn’t do to go in a book, but he hadn’t yet reached the allotted term of life for good little boys, and he hoped to be able to make a record yet if he could hold on till his time was fully up. If everything else failed he had his dying speech to fall back on.

He examined his authorities, and found that it was now time for him to go to sea as a cabin-boy. He called on a ship-captain and made his application, and when the captain asked for his recommendations he proudly drew out a tract and pointed to the words, “To Jacob Blivens, from his affectionate teacher.” But the captain was a coarse, vulgar man, and he said, “Oh, that be blowed! that wasn’t any proof that he knew how to wash dishes or handle a slush-bucket, and he guessed he didn’t want him.” This was altogether the most extraordinary thing that ever happened to Jacob in all his life. A compliment from a teacher, on a tract, had never failed to move the tenderest emotions of ship-captains, and open the way to all offices of honor and profit in any book that ever he had read. He could hardly believe his senses.

This boy always had a hard time of it. Nothing ever came out according to the authorities with him. At last, one day, when he was around hunting up bad little boys to admonish, he found a lot of them in the old iron-foundry fixing up a little joke on fourteen or fifteen dogs, which they had tied together in long procession, and were going to ornament with empty nitroglycerin cans made fast to their tails. Jacob’s heart was touched. He sat down on one of those cans (for he never minded grease when duty was before him), and he took hold of the foremost dog by the collar, and turned his reproving eye upon wicked Tom Jones. But just at that moment Alderman McWelter, full of wrath, stepped in. All the bad boys ran away, but Jacob Blivens rose in conscious innocence and began one of those stately little Sunday-school-book speeches which always commence with “Oh, sir!” in dead opposition to the fact that no boy, good or bad, ever starts a remark with “Oh, sir.” But the alderman never waited to hear the rest. He took Jacob Blivens by the ear and turned him around, and hit him a whack in the rear with the flat of his hand; and in an instant that good little boy shot out through the roof and soared away toward the sun with the fragments of those fifteen dogs stringing after him like the tail of a kite. And there wasn’t a sign of that alderman or that old iron-foundry left on the face of the earth; and, as for young Jacob Blivens, he never got a chance to make his last dying speech after all his trouble fixing it up, unless he made it to the birds; because, although the bulk of him came down all right in a tree-top in an adjoining county, the rest of him was apportioned around among four townships, and so they had to hold five inquests on him to find out whether he was dead or not, and how it occurred. You never saw a boy scattered so.

Thus perished the good little boy who did the best he could, but didn’t come out according to the books. Every boy who ever did as he did prospered except him. His case is truly remarkable. It will probably never be accounted for.

Review: Ian Probert’s “Johnny Nothing” Is a Wild, Comical Ride

 

Some children’s books encourage kids to be brave. Some encourage kids to be creative. Some encourage kids to be caring. Ian Probert’s book Johnny Nothing encourages kids, among other things, to: sell their dad’s possessions to their schoolmates for profit, send rude messages through the mail to the Prime Minister, hire bodyguards to terrorize their parents and keep them locked up like prisoners. On the plus side, there are repeated admonitions of “Don’t smoke, kids!”—but discerning readers might suspect those are tongue-in-cheek. In other words, this is a rude, crude, and even subversive little book that will amuse and titillate kids—and, if they have a sense of humor—their parents as well.

Johnny Nothing is the story of Johnny MacKenzie, a kid whose parents are so awful, and so stingy toward their son in everything from affection, to clothing, to even food, that the kids at school call him Johnny Nothing. But then a rich uncle dies and leaves him a million pounds and a task: if he can return exactly one year later having increased the money by even the smallest amount, Johnny’s inheritance will be increased tenfold. Obviously, it would be the easiest thing in the world to simply leave the money in the bank for a year and collect interest, but this is a moral test, and Johnny’s horrible, greedy parents fail it eagerly, taking Johnny’s money and going on a spending spree that will not only lead him to fail in his task, but to end the year as penniless as he began. What will Johnny do? That’s where the story’s twists and turns—and its surprisingly humane resolution—come in.

With a bag of tricks that includes potty humor, self-referential asides, hilarious digressions, visual aids, and even footnotes, Probert writes like a cross between Lemony Snicket and David Foster Wallace, as channeled by your best friend’s obnoxious older brother. You know, the one whose number one mission in life is to Gross. You. Out. Kids will love the book’s descriptions of nasty aromas and general corporeal unpleasantness, but Probert writes with a biting and often subtle wit that will surprise and charm adults as well.  As I read, I imagined youthful readers coming back to this story years later, perhaps reading it to their own children, and laughing out loud at jokes that had gone right past them as youngsters.

And there are a lot of jokes. This is the kind of book that will spend half a chapter listing dozens of puns and allusions about countries the characters have visited on a world tour:  “They got hungry in Hungary. So they had Turkey in Turkey. And Chicken in Kiev…They found Nuremberg a trial. They thought that Guinea was foul. They went to a party in Toga…” and on and on for two-and-a-half pages, until we finish with: “In the end they simply flew back to France—they had nothing Toulouse.” If that kind of humor makes you groan, there are also subtle, satirical gems, like this description of a lawyer: “He looked how James Bond might look if he lived on meat and potato pies and worked for the council and had a license to read legal documents.” And if that joke is too dry for you, don’t worry, there will be another joke—probably a big, sloppy wet one–within the next two sentences.

As a journalist and the author of Rope Burns, a meditation on boxing, Ian Probert usually writes for an adult audience, and he seems to have approached this book with a “What kind of children’s book would I like to read?” mentality–an approach I wholeheartedly endorse. Parents may tut-tut at some passages, but this is a book that respects children’s intelligence. My only complaint about it has nothing to do with the content, but rather the cover art. The interior illustrations are so arresting and beautifully colored, I can’t image why this particular illustration—not of Johnny, but of his lawyer—was chosen, or why it was rendered in such an unappealing, yellow-green monochrome. This vibrant, funny, shocking, charming, and highly entertaining book deserves a cleverer—and more welcoming—face. I found it off-putting; but I’m glad I looked past it, because the story inside is a lovingly crafted, one-of-a-kind read.

Johnny Nothing is available on Amazon.

Read more by Ian Probert on his blog.

 

Breaking Bad: The Spoilers Addicts Crave!

BBad

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationTired of stumbling upon spoilers of the latest Breaking Bad episode on the internet before you’ve had a chance to get to your DVR?

Ike2It’s so annoying. Not to mention, inefficient.

Happy Red Haired Freckled Boy With Missing Front Teeth, Laughing Retro Clipart IllustrationWhich is why we have compiled a complete list of major spoilers for the entire final season, right here, all in one place–and in advance!

Ike2No more pesky waiting on your idiot friends to ruin each episode for you one at a time–you can ruin the whole season for yourself right now!

Spoiler #1:

BBad-HatCryptic images and dramatic New Mexican landscapes will abound.

Spoiler #2:

BBad-ToddTo appease Lydia, Walt sends Todd overseas to teach the Czechs how to properly cook meth. When the Czechs come to meet Todd at the airport, he shoots them for no apparent reason.

Spoiler #3:

BBad-LydiaAdmiring the way Todd “handles himself,” Lydia hires him to do a hit on her daughter’s “difficult” third grade teacher.

Spoiler #4:

BBad-HillarySound the blooper alert when the show’s writer’s have a character mention that the Czech incident is being investigated by “Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton.” In protest against AMC, the Republican National Convention threatens to hold all of its 2016 presidential primary debates on the Spike network.

Spoiler #5:

BBad-BadgerBadger lands a job writing for SyFy. First script: Narcnado.

Spoiler #6:

BBad-Book2 There will be haiku. And it will blow your mind.

Spoiler #7:

BBad-Gus In a special crossover episode with The Walking Dead, the re-animated Gus teams up with “The Governor” to reclaim his meth empire. In a subplot, Marie is bitten by a zombie. Nobody notices, except to remark that her personality has become “slightly less annoying.”

Spoiler #8:

BBad-WaltJr For no apparent reason, Todd shoots Walt, Jr.–during breakfast.

Spoiler #9:

BBad-HankGomey4 Skyler kills Todd. Walt kills Lydia. Skyler kills herself. Jessie kills Walt. Hank kills Jessie. Gomey kills Hank after Hank makes one too many “beaner” cracks.

Spoiler #10:

BBad-Saul Saul fakes his own death and pretends to be his long-lost cousin ‘Luigi’ to get a job in his dad’s donut shop. When the cops start coming in for their morning “fix,” the hilarity ensues on the sitcom spin-off–Baking Goodman!

Ben1Editor’s note: No animals were harmed in the creation of this post; however, with that last joke, this dog’s comic sensibilities were seriously offended.

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